I'm counting today at the first day of the rest of my life.
My mom, after graciously dropping everything & basically moving in here for over 2 months, has gone home. Now Frankie & I officially embark on our adventure.
So far, that adventure has involved mostly eating snacks, naps, flipping through books & exploring. Every once in a while she stops what she's doing & just looks at me & smiles. She's never really done that & it's making me think....okay...yeah....her & me. We can do this.
The last 2 weeks have been weird - but not as weird as I thought they'd be. Really, I don't think it's all sunk in yet. Maybe it never will? It feels like I was in a 4+ year long horror movie where I could never, ever relax because the bad guy could attack *at any time* and now the bad guy is gone & never coming back, but he took my most very best friend with him.
Last night I went out - to a friend's house to eat (lots of) pizza & casually celebrate some birthdays & drink some drinks. I wasn't going to go, but my mom (bless her) told me I should. I went, I had fun. I laughed - I laughed for real. I was reminded that my life is going to go on. One night, about a month ago, as I was leaving the hospital Gord asked if I was reading & singing & playing with Frankie "Yes! Of course!" 'Good....keep our life alive.' I'm trying to - Gord, I'm really going to try. I want to make a
happy, colourful, simple, creative, safe home for my kid. The same as Gord & I wanted to do together.
Re-reading through this blog now, I realize there are some holes that need to be filled. At the visitation, I was talking to a good family friend of the High's who came to visit Gord often while he was in the hospital & was there the day he passed. "I need to fill in the blanks - it's like one day he's sitting up in bed & everything's going so great & then the next day it's all dramatic & 'all treatment has stopped!'" and she said "well, that's kind of exactly how it went." And yeah, you know? That *is* how it went because everything was so up & down & all over the place. So, in a totally self indulgent way, if only to have it all written down somewhere so that if she's ever interested, Frances can read all about what a superhero her dad was, I'll probably start sharing my memories of Gord's illness.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Service streaming
Since Gord's friends span the globe, there have been requests to stream the service. So, if you are unable to make the service on Monday, please feel free to tune in & join with us as we celebrate him.
Our friend Jeff has set up a justin.tv channel & will be streaming the service.
Here's his channel: http://www.justin.tv/jeffreymutch
You can go there on Monday a bit before 11am EST and he should have it up and running, barring any problems with a mobile connection. justin.tv does have ads in the stream, but from what he understands they are just at the very beginning, so maybe start it a bit early to avoid interruption.
You can go to this link at any time beforehand to make sure you have the right plugins/codes installed. Your browser should guide you through the instructions if you need to install anything.
Technology, eh?
Our friend Jeff has set up a justin.tv channel & will be streaming the service.
Here's his channel: http://www.justin.tv/jeffreymutch
You can go there on Monday a bit before 11am EST and he should have it up and running, barring any problems with a mobile connection. justin.tv does have ads in the stream, but from what he understands they are just at the very beginning, so maybe start it a bit early to avoid interruption.
You can go to this link at any time beforehand to make sure you have the right plugins/codes installed. Your browser should guide you through the instructions if you need to install anything.
Technology, eh?
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
from our family..
Dear
Friends and Family, we would like to sincerely and with heartfelt
gratitude thank all those who have through kindness and caring comforted
Nicole, the High and the Winer families in this time
of grief. Your thoughts and prayers are deeply appreciated.
Many have been asking how they can best help Nicole and baby Frankie in a meaningful way. The family is extremely grateful for this collective outpouring of concern and is setting up an Education and Care Fund for Frankie.
Those who wish to contribute to helping to contribute to Frankie’s future can make a personal donation to Nicole. All funds collected will be going directly to securing the well-being and care of young Frances. There will be an envelope located at the visitation throughout Sunday for convenience.
Again, thank you to family and friends who have expressed their condolences. Though we can never replace the loss of Gord’s light from our lives, we have a beautiful living reminder of the love he brought to us and to this world and for that we will always be endlessly thankful.
Visitation will be at the Cresmount Funeral Home, 322 Fennell Avenue East, Hamilton on Sunday January 22nd, 2-4pm and 7-9pm. Interment will be held Monday January 23rd, 11:00am, at Cresmount 322 Fennell Avenue East, followed by a celebration of Gord's life, friends and family at the 1020 Upper James St Cresmount location also in Hamilton. For additional information: www.cresmountfennellchapel.com/
With Love,
The Winer and High Families
Many have been asking how they can best help Nicole and baby Frankie in a meaningful way. The family is extremely grateful for this collective outpouring of concern and is setting up an Education and Care Fund for Frankie.
Those who wish to contribute to helping to contribute to Frankie’s future can make a personal donation to Nicole. All funds collected will be going directly to securing the well-being and care of young Frances. There will be an envelope located at the visitation throughout Sunday for convenience.
Again, thank you to family and friends who have expressed their condolences. Though we can never replace the loss of Gord’s light from our lives, we have a beautiful living reminder of the love he brought to us and to this world and for that we will always be endlessly thankful.
Visitation will be at the Cresmount Funeral Home, 322 Fennell Avenue East, Hamilton on Sunday January 22nd, 2-4pm and 7-9pm. Interment will be held Monday January 23rd, 11:00am, at Cresmount 322 Fennell Avenue East, followed by a celebration of Gord's life, friends and family at the 1020 Upper James St Cresmount location also in Hamilton. For additional information: www.cresmountfennellchapel.com/
With Love,
The Winer and High Families
plans.
The last two days have been so surreal.
I haven't really had a chance to process everything that has happened - and I'm not just talking about Gord dying, I'm talking about the last 4 1/2 years of my life. This morning I woke up with my whole body aching - my back & shoulder muscles hurting, my legs, my feet, my head, everything felt beat up. I said to my dad 'I feel like I ran a marathon.'.... "you have."
I'll write more (lots more) about this when I have had a chance to sit down & think clearly for a while.
Yesterday funeral arrangements started being made - for those of you who would like to attend:
visitation: Sunday, January 22 (Gord's 41st birthday) 2-4pm & 7-9pm
Service: Monday, January 23 11:00am.
Both at Cresmount funeral home on Fennell ave in Hamilton.
A reception will be held afterwards at the Cresmount location on Upper James. When my dad & I went to see the reception room & decide if it would be big enough, "Do you mind noise?" I asked... "We LOVE noise." - so, if you are inclined, feel free to bring your instrument of choice.
In lieu of flowers, some family will be setting up a care & education fund for Frankie. I'll pass along more information as it becomes available. At first I was like 'Nawwww...' but she's already kind of a genius, so I'm pretty sure she's going to at least graduate high school.
If you are on facebook, please feel free to join 'gordslist:Friends of Gord High' which, since it began yesterday has already proven to be an amazing community of people who just love the heck out of this guy. It's really wonderful to read everyone's stories & memories of him.
xoxo
I haven't really had a chance to process everything that has happened - and I'm not just talking about Gord dying, I'm talking about the last 4 1/2 years of my life. This morning I woke up with my whole body aching - my back & shoulder muscles hurting, my legs, my feet, my head, everything felt beat up. I said to my dad 'I feel like I ran a marathon.'.... "you have."
I'll write more (lots more) about this when I have had a chance to sit down & think clearly for a while.
Yesterday funeral arrangements started being made - for those of you who would like to attend:
visitation: Sunday, January 22 (Gord's 41st birthday) 2-4pm & 7-9pm
Service: Monday, January 23 11:00am.
Both at Cresmount funeral home on Fennell ave in Hamilton.
A reception will be held afterwards at the Cresmount location on Upper James. When my dad & I went to see the reception room & decide if it would be big enough, "Do you mind noise?" I asked... "We LOVE noise." - so, if you are inclined, feel free to bring your instrument of choice.
In lieu of flowers, some family will be setting up a care & education fund for Frankie. I'll pass along more information as it becomes available. At first I was like 'Nawwww...' but she's already kind of a genius, so I'm pretty sure she's going to at least graduate high school.
If you are on facebook, please feel free to join 'gordslist:Friends of Gord High' which, since it began yesterday has already proven to be an amazing community of people who just love the heck out of this guy. It's really wonderful to read everyone's stories & memories of him.
xoxo
Monday, January 16, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
boomselection
Only barely scraping the surface....(and proper alignment be damned!)
(some 'rock' not included in his boomselection, but I got those songs on my mind tonight)
(some 'rock' not included in his boomselection, but I got those songs on my mind tonight)
clarity
The view from 14B is really something. The whole west of the city is sprawled out in front of us. You can see for miles (and miles and miles and miles and miiiiiiles). I've seen a lot of different skies from this window.
The other day, when there were snow flurries, I couldn't see anything out the window, only white. I could make out nothing of the streets & buildings I knew were out there. Some evenings the sunset is incredible - Bright red (sailors delight!), the sky has on a couple of occasions looked like a giant jug of Tang. I can see the lake from here & everyday, since we've been here (2 months now), it has looked cold & mean. Choppy.
Right now, the sky is perfectly clear, dark (of course, it is night). I can see lit up neighborhoods far, far away.
Looking out this window is often very reflective of the kind of day we're having inside this room.
I've known for a while Gord would not 'bounce back' from this the way he has miraculously recovered from so many other things he's had to suffer through over the last 5 years. Numerous pneumonias, fungal lung infections galore, blood infections, H1N1, a MASSIVE blood clot spanning all along the whole entire length of his right leg, and the worst of it all, the 3+ years of grueling treatment (chemo, radiation, more chemo, more chemo, a short interlude - time enough for us to regroup & remember there is more to life than clinic visits & then,..... more chemo, more chemo) to 'cure' him. Not once did I ever think 'this time he won't make it.' Not like this time.
For the last 2 months Gord has begged to help him get out of here. I'd try to explain it to him & he'd nod & then say 'Okay, so get the scissors & Cut Me Out of here!' Last night I began thinking about 'what should happen next'. He's not going to recover from this, I've known it for a long time but I guess I was just holding out for some hope, who wouldn't? We were/are ALL hoping for a little tiny miracle. I know Gord's wishes, and what was happening was in no way part of them.
So this morning I came to the hospital early. Still sleepy, I curled up (as much as you *can* curl up in the hospital recliners) and slept beside him. Laboured breathing, a weak cough, infection in the lungs but not enough energy to cough out the bad stuff. Painful even to listen to. When we were both awake, we talked - like, THE talk. The talk I've been trying to have with him for a while not but he just wasn't ready (neither was I, really). "I thought about it last night. I'm ready to quit."
Treatment has stopped. Now it is about making Gord comfortable & happy. It's all I've ever wanted for him since the beginning of this nightmare. I'm so, so thankful that he helped me to make this decision.
I didn't think this was how our story was going to unfold, I really didn't.
I'm with him, beside him, not leaving. Listening to his favourites, being taken good care of by the absolutely amazing staff here at PMH who have come to know & love Gord as well.
My next post is going to be a bunch of clips I've been watching tonight from his 'boomselection' folder of favourite sound system & reggae clips. Join me in celebrating him & wishing him absolute peace and strength. Hold our dear, dear Gord close to you during this next little while. He's had one hell of a time.
xoxoxoxo
The other day, when there were snow flurries, I couldn't see anything out the window, only white. I could make out nothing of the streets & buildings I knew were out there. Some evenings the sunset is incredible - Bright red (sailors delight!), the sky has on a couple of occasions looked like a giant jug of Tang. I can see the lake from here & everyday, since we've been here (2 months now), it has looked cold & mean. Choppy.
Right now, the sky is perfectly clear, dark (of course, it is night). I can see lit up neighborhoods far, far away.
Looking out this window is often very reflective of the kind of day we're having inside this room.
I've known for a while Gord would not 'bounce back' from this the way he has miraculously recovered from so many other things he's had to suffer through over the last 5 years. Numerous pneumonias, fungal lung infections galore, blood infections, H1N1, a MASSIVE blood clot spanning all along the whole entire length of his right leg, and the worst of it all, the 3+ years of grueling treatment (chemo, radiation, more chemo, more chemo, a short interlude - time enough for us to regroup & remember there is more to life than clinic visits & then,..... more chemo, more chemo) to 'cure' him. Not once did I ever think 'this time he won't make it.' Not like this time.
For the last 2 months Gord has begged to help him get out of here. I'd try to explain it to him & he'd nod & then say 'Okay, so get the scissors & Cut Me Out of here!' Last night I began thinking about 'what should happen next'. He's not going to recover from this, I've known it for a long time but I guess I was just holding out for some hope, who wouldn't? We were/are ALL hoping for a little tiny miracle. I know Gord's wishes, and what was happening was in no way part of them.
So this morning I came to the hospital early. Still sleepy, I curled up (as much as you *can* curl up in the hospital recliners) and slept beside him. Laboured breathing, a weak cough, infection in the lungs but not enough energy to cough out the bad stuff. Painful even to listen to. When we were both awake, we talked - like, THE talk. The talk I've been trying to have with him for a while not but he just wasn't ready (neither was I, really). "I thought about it last night. I'm ready to quit."
Treatment has stopped. Now it is about making Gord comfortable & happy. It's all I've ever wanted for him since the beginning of this nightmare. I'm so, so thankful that he helped me to make this decision.
I didn't think this was how our story was going to unfold, I really didn't.
I'm with him, beside him, not leaving. Listening to his favourites, being taken good care of by the absolutely amazing staff here at PMH who have come to know & love Gord as well.
My next post is going to be a bunch of clips I've been watching tonight from his 'boomselection' folder of favourite sound system & reggae clips. Join me in celebrating him & wishing him absolute peace and strength. Hold our dear, dear Gord close to you during this next little while. He's had one hell of a time.
xoxoxoxo
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