Sunday, January 29, 2012

first steps.

I'm counting today at the first day of the rest of my life.

My mom, after graciously dropping everything & basically moving in here for over 2 months, has gone home. Now Frankie & I officially embark on our adventure.
So far, that adventure has involved mostly eating snacks, naps, flipping through books & exploring. Every once in a while she stops what she's doing & just looks at me & smiles. She's never really done that & it's making me think....okay...yeah....her & me. We can do this.

The last 2 weeks have been weird - but not as weird as I thought they'd be. Really, I don't think it's all sunk in yet. Maybe it never will? It feels like I was in a 4+ year long horror movie where I could never, ever relax because the bad guy could attack *at any time* and now the bad guy is gone & never coming back, but he took my most very best friend with him. 

Last night I went out - to a friend's house to eat (lots of) pizza & casually celebrate some birthdays & drink some drinks. I wasn't going to go, but my mom (bless her) told me I should. I went, I had fun. I laughed - I laughed for real. I was reminded that my life is going to go on. One night, about a month ago, as I was leaving the hospital Gord asked if I was reading & singing & playing with Frankie "Yes! Of course!" 'Good....keep our life alive.' I'm trying to - Gord, I'm really going to try. I want to make a happy, colourful, simple, creative, safe home for my kid. The same as Gord & I wanted to do together.

Re-reading through this blog now, I realize there are some holes that need to be filled. At the visitation, I was talking to a good family friend of the High's who came to visit Gord often while he was in the hospital & was there the day he passed. "I need to fill in the blanks - it's like one day he's sitting up in bed & everything's going so great & then the next day it's all dramatic & 'all treatment has stopped!'" and she said "well, that's kind of exactly how it went." And yeah, you know? That *is* how it went because everything was so up & down & all over the place. So, in a totally self indulgent way, if only to have it all written down somewhere so that if she's ever interested, Frances can read all about what a superhero her dad was, I'll probably start sharing my memories of Gord's illness.


  1. At least the other superhero is still in the building. xo

  2. You're an amazing mom already Nicole, and considering what an exceptional person you are, you're going to continue to do and raise Frankie to be amazing too. Ain't no better mama out there. Keep writing your blog... it's not self-indulgent at all. Plus, you're a such an honest and gifted writer. Somebody said it along the way but I totally agreed with the comment -- and maybe you want to get as far away from the 'bad guy' as possible -- but if you ever feel comfortable with it, I think you could be a huge support to people going through what you've been through. I know this probably sounds like a broken record, but if you need anything at all, let me know Nicole! We're all here for you.

    Colleen xo