Wednesday, March 21, 2012

how/where am I?

I write a blog entry pretty much every day. The problem is, they are in my head & by the time I sit down to actually write I feel so overwhelmed by it all. My mind is constantly darting from one thing to another. Remembering. Things he said, the way he did things, a conversation from the past will replay in seconds in my mind. The smell of his cooking, the feel of his shirt on my cheek. Kitchen hugs while waiting for the kettle to boil.
It's been two whole months. Things are okay, in general. I get up every single morning. I have Frankie to thank for that; I can easily understand widows who simply can't. Some days it takes a lot to push myself up. I make coffee - I have finally finally figured out the correct coffee:water balance to make it for just me. Ever since he went into the hospital in November (seems so long ago, doesn't it?) I had been making coffee as I always did. Two cups for each of us. I do find it a little funny to note here that I always insisted to him that you should let the coffee & the water mingle a little before plunging down the filter thing on the bodum, but he would pour in the water & immediately PLUNGE. I no longer let anything mingle. I go straight for the plunge. I make breakfast, we play, she naps, I putter. I knit, she explores, we walk. All day long I think 'I wish Gord could see this. I wish he were here.' In quiet times, when I close my eyes and try my best to communicate with him somehow, the thing that runs through my head is a constant stream of 'comebackcomebackcomebackcomeback. please. just come back.'

It's like half of my heart is this heavy gelatinous blob - jiggling, changing shape, unable to stay within the lines. The other half is light. It is gentle and hopeful and bursting with love. So much love for this man that made me the woman I am right now. Slowly I am going through his things & it's only making me love him more, making me realize what a gem I had in him. We all had.

I am doing much, much better than I imagined I would. I am incredibly pleased to discover that life goes on - I still tell jokes, I still dance and clap my hands, I am still able to do all of my *Nicole* things. I am keeping our life going. I will have sudden, very short bursts of tears or sadness at certain times (Frankie LIGHTS UP when she sees a picture of Gord and while this is a wonderful, wonderful thing & I am so thankful for some recognition there, it is heartbreaking. It is full on crackmyheartinhalf breaking.) but overall, generally, I am OK. And that is very reassuring.

I'll continue to talk about our 'journey' (Gord referred to it as his 'journey' very sarcastically while in the hospital before he died, and he rolled his eyes so much they practically fell out of his head) in the next post. I just wanted to come back, say hello, tell you that I'm still here. I am not curled up in a ball of grief. On the contrary - I take time to stretch every day.


  1. So good to read your blogs Nicole, you are a writer for sure. You say everything I am feeling about both Paul and Gord. You are a brave soldier and i admire you more than you know. I'm here for you, still a little broken but getting better too. I love you both, kiss her for me. I'll see you

  2. You are such a gifted writer Nicole, and you help me feel what your heart is feeling. Gord is with you every day in your heart and on your shoulder watching over you. Keep those smiles and dance moves comin, and give in to those tears. Always thinking of you, Jan

  3. So glad to hear you and Frankie are smiling:)