I'd give anything to go back & just drink it in deep.
When I got to Gord's room this morning, I found the same kind of Gord I did a couple of weeks ago. A Gord who was confused & agitated. I want to scoop him up, I want to take him to a safe & happy time. In November when he was just admitted to the hospital (and I thought 'oh! Dehydration! He'll be home in a couple of days!' ...oye...) he asked me to just talk to him. 'About what?' 'Tell me about the future.' So I started telling him about how one day we'll live in a house with a backyard & a garden & trees. 'No... tell me about Christmas Day.'
Our intention was to spend a very quiet, cozy Winer-High Christmas in our apartment. Wearing our pyjamas & eating delicious food & just being thankful. Thankful for being together. Thankful for this second chance. Thankful for Frances. So I laid it all out for him - all the naps, old movies, music, and good food we'd eat.
How different things will actually be from our original plan. Gord is in the hospital & I'm in Hamilton, celebrating the holidays with my family and it is killing me to not be with my best friend. I miss him like crazy. They are doing blood cultures to find out if an infection is causing the confusion, and he's getting a sitter to be with him again, to make sure he's okay. Took every single thing in me not to stay there with him today. In the elevator, I bet I didn't even have to press 'M' - the guilt I was feeling could have sunk me down all 14 floors on its own.
So I'm sitting on the couch at my parent's house. Frankie is having her afternoon nap & I'm writing this, listening to the Todd-o-phonic Todd show on WFMU & thinking lots about Gord & this song comes on. And all I want to be doing is kissing Gord under the mistletoe.
Merry Christmas everyone, hug your loved ones extra tight this year.