Saturday, December 24, 2011

christmas eve.

On my way to the hospital this morning, I thought about what my blog entry would be today. I can so easily remember this day last year; how just pure good everything was. I was happily & healthfully 5 months pregnant. We had rented a car to do our holiday traveling & got upgraded to a really fancy Volvo. It had heated seats & voice commands & felt so safe. We discovered the HOV lanes & just coasted from Toronto towards family. On Christmas Eve we went to the annual Winer Christmas sing-along-athon & Gord was drunk & happy. On Christmas Day we made our way to Niagara & spent an incredibly cozy & relaxing time with his family. We were happy & excited & anxious to get into the new year.

I'd give anything to go back & just drink it in deep.

When I got to Gord's room this morning, I found the same kind of Gord I did a couple of weeks ago. A Gord who was confused & agitated. I want to scoop him up, I want to take him to a safe & happy time. In November when he was just admitted to the hospital (and I thought 'oh! Dehydration! He'll be home in a couple of days!' ...oye...) he asked me to just talk to him. 'About what?' 'Tell me about the future.' So I started telling him about how one day we'll live in a house with a backyard & a garden & trees. 'No... tell me about Christmas Day.'

Our intention was to spend a very quiet, cozy Winer-High Christmas in our apartment. Wearing our pyjamas & eating delicious food & just being thankful. Thankful for being together. Thankful for this second chance. Thankful for Frances. So I laid it all out for him - all the naps, old movies, music, and good food we'd eat.

How different things will actually be from our original plan. Gord is in the hospital & I'm in Hamilton, celebrating the holidays with my family and it is killing me to not be with my best friend. I miss him like crazy. They are doing blood cultures to find out if an infection is causing the confusion, and he's getting a sitter to be with him again, to make sure he's okay. Took every single thing in me not to stay there with him today. In the elevator, I bet I didn't even have to press 'M' - the guilt I was feeling could have sunk me down all 14 floors on its own.

So I'm sitting on the couch at my parent's house. Frankie is having her afternoon nap & I'm writing this, listening to the Todd-o-phonic Todd show on WFMU & thinking lots about Gord & this song comes on. And all I want to be doing is kissing Gord under the mistletoe.

Merry Christmas everyone, hug your loved ones extra tight this year.



  1. I wish that you were kissing Gord too. And, I wish I could hug you extra tight.

  2. I found pictures of Frankie on my phone the other day from when Sarah and I visited you guys. She looks like a Christmas elf and it was only June! As soon as Gord gets out, you should stick a pointy cap on her and declare a Christmas do-over. Stay strong.

  3. Thinking of you guys today and sending you lots of extra love. Fingers crossed that you will all be hanging out in your pjs soon. xo Naomi

  4. Voting for a Christmas do-over! That's a great idea. Love to all of you this Christmas, Nicole. xoxoxo

  5. Was thinking about you all, and wanted to send some “e-support” over the holidays. Nicole, kudos to you for keeping up this blog… not to mention all your energy and support. That Gord fellow is one lucky guy that he's got you on his side. You better congratulate yourself every day on what a good job you are doing. If only everyone could do half as well as you!