Wednesday, January 11, 2012

good day.

Yesterday he was awake & talking & cracking jokes & engaging in conversation for all of the day. Referencing SCTV skits, making up songs about incline planes, talking fondly of Bridge Mixture. He had many, many visitors & he was a great host to each one of them.

I believe this is a gift. One of my big fears was that I wouldn’t get a chance to make more good memories with him - that he would kind of just slip away. He talked a LOT about Frankie today, which was just wonderful. For a long time he wasn’t asking about her at all & once when a nurse pointed to pictures of her in his room & asked if she was his daughter, he said no. (my heart? broke into about a billion pieces)… so the fact she’s so much on his mind is really wonderful to me. His little Polkie-dot.

Being so alert & talky is of course wonderful, but it also makes it so much harder to believe that the treatment isn't working. I know being put back on the TPN (nutrition through his IV) can account for his new energy & clarity can in some way. I guess I just want to think that it isn't that. I want to think that it's his body getting stronger on its own. Who knows? I am just thankful for it.

Part of me is in denial, and I know that (is it still denial if you acknowledge the denial?). The other, larger part of me is fully aware of what’s happening & what will happen. I just cannot think past like, the next 10 minutes ahead of me. In my everyday life I am surrounded by many people who love & care about us, which is a big comfort. I’ve been told several times by lots of people that they will not let me fall.

Right now I am just trying to find some peace in all of this, so that I can maintain some composure & clarity in this incredibly surreal time in my life.


  1. I'm with you, Nicole!! I keep hoping, too!! You have lots of people hoping, praying, supporting and standing beside you.

  2. Nicole you give everyone of us all a whole whack of hope. There is always hope and everyday is a blessing for each of us. Keep plowing forward everyday.
    Love you more than ice cream!!
    Tim :)

  3. Nicole, every good thought, every positive vibe is going out to you, Gord and Frankie.

    Love, The Houstons

  4. I've been following your blog, Nicole, and am thinking about you and your family a whole lot. I don't know what else to say but that and sending a big hug. Lauren.