good day.

Yesterday he was awake & talking & cracking jokes & engaging in conversation for all of the day. Referencing SCTV skits, making up songs about incline planes, talking fondly of Bridge Mixture. He had many, many visitors & he was a great host to each one of them.

I believe this is a gift. One of my big fears was that I wouldn’t get a chance to make more good memories with him - that he would kind of just slip away. He talked a LOT about Frankie today, which was just wonderful. For a long time he wasn’t asking about her at all & once when a nurse pointed to pictures of her in his room & asked if she was his daughter, he said no. (my heart? broke into about a billion pieces)… so the fact she’s so much on his mind is really wonderful to me. His little Polkie-dot.

Being so alert & talky is of course wonderful, but it also makes it so much harder to believe that the treatment isn't working. I know being put back on the TPN (nutrition through his IV) can account for his new energy & clarity can in some way. I guess I just want to think that it isn't that. I want to think that it's his body getting stronger on its own. Who knows? I am just thankful for it.

Part of me is in denial, and I know that (is it still denial if you acknowledge the denial?). The other, larger part of me is fully aware of what’s happening & what will happen. I just cannot think past like, the next 10 minutes ahead of me. In my everyday life I am surrounded by many people who love & care about us, which is a big comfort. I’ve been told several times by lots of people that they will not let me fall.

Right now I am just trying to find some peace in all of this, so that I can maintain some composure & clarity in this incredibly surreal time in my life.