Monday, January 9, 2012


This is such a hard place to be: stuck between trying to come to terms with what we've been told will happen, but also holding on to some glimmer of hope. The Campath isn't working - they aren't giving him any more of it & the GvHD is just going to keep going. The Dr said that another infection will likely come along, probably from the stomach. I can't help but hope that there will just be a tiny hook & it will catch on something, on all of the sickness inside of him & scoop it up in one big net.

Saying that, today's visit was actually a pretty good one, especially compared to the last 4 days or so. He was up & talkative, trying to bribe us with Red Lobster dinners if we'd help him get out of there. I played Bo Diddley's  'Our Love Will Never Go' & he sang along. Frankie came in for a little visit - it was overwhelmingly sweet. He smiled at her, gave her all his best 'Dad' faces - she beamed at him & seemed pretty intrigued by his bank of IV pumps.
He spoke at great length (like....for hours) of pizza, calzones & panzerotti.
Mostly he wants to get out. He wants to walk. I want those things too - more than anything.
"In your mind, can you picture yourself walking?" "Clearly."
When I picture Gord walking, I am immediately taken back about 5 years ago. We worked fairly close to each other & after work, we'd both start walking & meet halfway. No matter how crowded the sidewalk, I could always spot him from far far away. His walk. His pants rolled up, backpack, Gord Hat. We'd start waving at each other, big enthusiastic waves from a block away. Then together we'd walk randomly, taking this or that street home, picking up ingredients for our dinner. Stopping in the park. Holding hands. Hugging & kissing at stoplights.

I can see it so clearly.
What I can't see clearly, or at all, really, is what it will be like to not walk through life with him.


  1. Sending love and prayers your way...

    Sarah & Lucy

  2. I'm hoping for a tiny hook too, Nicole!! Miracles happen!!!
    -Leanne xxxx

  3. I've got no pull with miracle workers but I'll do my best to make friends with friends of miracle workers as fast as I can. Lisa Ayuso xo

  4. Much love to you all, Nicole. Hardest prayers from across the Atlantic.

  5. Sending you, Frankie and Gord our love and support.
    Love you all so much,
    Shane and Frances

  6. Sorry to hear the terrible news. I've been around a lot of people passing in the last 2 years and have been reading this blog and hoping that this is the one that beats the odds, even as some kind of miracle. You're family is in my thoughts, Nicole.

  7. wishing for strength and that hook to come along, our prayers for you and your family through this tough time.

  8. There really are no words at a time like this, but my sincerest thoughts are with you, Frankie, Gord, and your whole family. I know we're simply acquaintances on flickr and ravelry, but I wish I could give you a big hug. Sending you lots of love, Nicole.

  9. Wrapping you all in love, praying for a hook.